malapit na

thank you for all the best memories i will forever cherish in my whole existence. 

naalala mo nung sinurprise mo ko sa jabi dala dala si bella? thank you. nung nagshow up ka sa bahay nung bday ni nicole na may dalang bedspread set? thank you. yung mga ginagawa mong video para saken habang nasa safeway ka. thank you. nung sinurprise mo ko with cloud 9, tas sa jabi pinagbbuksan mo pa ako tas binibigay/sinusubo mo saken? thank you. nung dinala mo ko sa LA.. thank you. naalala mo nung dinalhan mo ko ng food nung nagoffsite volunteer ako for target kahit na antok na antok ka na? thank you. nung takot na takot ako sa bahay kasi tinatakot ako nila anna at arch tas pinuntahan mo ko, thank you. yung mga times na wagas ka kung makayakap saken bago tayo matulog at pagkagaling mo sa work. thank you. naalala mo yung mga times na tumatambay ka sa target hanggang mag open para makasama ako kahit saglit lang tas babalik ka nanaman pagkaoff ko na? thank you. nung valentines 2014 na pumunta ka pang target para ibigay yung flowers kahit sabi mo hindi ikaw yung tipo ng tao na gagawa ng ganun. thank you. naalala mo yung mga times na humihingi ka ng kisses sa jabi pero ayoko kasi baka magalit sila sir davey.. pero nagkkiss padin tayo? thank you. yung mga paghawak mo sa kamay ko habang nagddrive ka. thank you. yung mga movie nights naten kahit pagod na pagod ka at wala kang tulog. thank you. yung mga ngiti mo saken na sobrang sincere at hindi pilit. thank you. yung mga posts mo saken sa fb lalo n yung ginawa mong video para saken. thank you. yung mga efforts mo sa pagluluto ng mga vegan food para saken. thank you. yung pagttiis mo maghintay puntang pinas para lang magkasabay tayo. thank you. 

maraming maraming salamat sa lahat ng ginawa mo para saken. hinding hindi ko makakalimutan lahat yan dahil araw araw kong namimiss yan at araw araw ko ding dinadasal na sana bumalik na saken yung taong nagparamdam dati saken ng sobra sobrang pagmamahal. na sana maiparamdam mo uli saken na mahal mo ako. kung alam ko lang na darating yung time na hihinto lahat yan, sana, malaking sana.. sana hindi mo nalang ginawa. nilagay mo ako sa sitwasyon na ang kaya ko lang gawin ngayon eh umiyak habang naaalala lahat yan.. habang pinapanuod kita na papalayo ng papalayo yung loob saken. 

you put me in this situation and then you left me all alone. you were supposed to be the one. but here i am crying. you are fully aware that here i am crying but you chose to sleep anyways. 

you were supposed to be the one. 

2015

i guess it's true what they say about new year.. you get to realize what matters most and what should be left behind where it belongs. it teaches you to stop carrying extra baggage with you that will only drag you down from the beginning til the end of the year. 

there are things that no matter how hard you try though, you just can't let go of. despite that, i am thankful. 

thank you for making it clear to me what i am and where i stand in your life. thank you for making me feel so worthless. thank you for proving me that even if i love you so very deeply, you can never love me back the way i hope you would. thank you for teaching me, no matter how painful and heartbreaking it is, i learned the lesson to love myself more than i love you. to respect myself cuz you obviously  won't. 

rejoice in the fact that i love you too much that i can't leave you. but know that i'm done begging for your love. know that this new year, i'm deciding to love myself. because i owe myself so much love that i have been giving you which i should have just given myself in the first place. 

i am so done. i've tried everything i can to  love you and be the best i could. but unfortunately, i'm just not good enough for  you. i just can't be that person for you. 

well.. happy new year to you. 

bury me deep

how unfortunate it is to be in a relationship where there's so many secrets going on. so many things you can't share to the one person who you would generally confide to. 

it breaks my heart to see how sad you are and there's nothing i can do. call me selfish but what shatters me more than my heart breaking, is the fact that you can't even tell me what's bothering you so much. i accepted you for who you are.. for all of you. i'm going through everything that involves your life whether you like it or not. and that's because i love you. i chose to be that girl who would be left behind..all alone on most occasions. i chose to be that girl that you can't introduce to the other half of your life. i am that girl who chose to be taken for granted. i chose to be stupid. the least you can do is be open with me. be honest. cause that's all i'm holding on to. but i guess now, i am also that girl that you can't share your worries to. i am that girl that you see only when everything else in your life is perfect. 

i am that girl.. and it's so painful to know that you will always see me as that girl. and you will never be the guy who would take me out of that miserable disposition. 

k fine

i'm trying to mold my life to fit yours..

that's because i want us to last..

to others, i even closed my doors

but changes do not happen that fast..

cut me some slack..

i can't do things overnight

i know there's so many things i lack..

but you know i try to get things right

don't overthink things

i have bad days too you know

at times we're just waiting for each other

or sometimes, i just don't wanna be a bother

but please don't take offense

don't get upset from all these nonsense

you know time has always been our enemy

so please don't waste it being upset with me

i'd spend time with you as much as i can..

you know i'd choose to be with you over and over again.

 

if a guy who is always extremely busy still finds time to be with you, keep him. 

i was feeling down all day today because i know that we won't have time to spend together for the whole week because of our jobs. i was pretty upset thinking that the only time we'll see each other will be at work. and work is different. you can't be comfortable. 

i took a nap after work. might as well sleep it off right. then i wake up and he was there. he did scare me but i was really happy. 

i hugged him the most i could because he can't stay long. i didn't wanna let go but i knew i had to. seeing him, being with him just for those few minutes, is the best feeling ever. 

i knew right there that no matter how busy we may be, everything will be alright. we will be alright. 

it's those little things that reassures me that there will always be a way for us to be together. even if it's just a minute.

walls & roads

being happy is not really an easy task. there's so many things involved that could either make it or break it for you. in my situation, there's a million walls i have to break through to actually be happy. there are days that i just want to turn around and give up. not that i didn't try to get through.. it's just that, there are walls that will never be broken down. those walls will always be back up the moment i turn around. those walls i can never escape from. which is why, i feel like running as far away as i can sometimes. i don't know if i'm strong enough to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. i don't know if i want to have to fight for what i want all the time. i don't know if i can be fine being left behind because there's just something else more important than me. 

i know i am not the only one struggling to make this work because definitely, the other person is trying his hardest as well. 

i really want to make this work. but i think i jumped in too soon not fully realizing that this is not going to be a straight path to happiness. there's so many left & right turns. too many that i feel like i should just turn back around now before i get lost deeper & deeper down the road. 

it seems like everything is against this thing to work. time, people, place... they're never right. they barely seem to match. there's always something wrong. 

idk. i thought i could be the strong one.. but this early on, i can already feel how weak i am. i can already picture how it would be if i keep going. and looks like i would be sidelined a lot. 

i want to call shotgun so bad. but i know i have to take the backseat for the most part. and it sucks that i can't ask it out loud. it sucks to be mute when i have so many things to say. it hurts me that we can only see each other through the rear view mirror. just quick glances here and there. 

i already know what will happen if i spoke my mind. which is why i am choosing to be quiet and just take whatever small piece i can get. that's the only thing i could really do right now. if i spoke one word, for sure, everything will crumble down to nothing.

so yeah, as much as i want to, i can't always call shotgun. 

Ok i'm done

It's better to say too much
Than to never say what you need to say again...

A line from a song that hit me when I heard it. 

I swear, people either take their precious time getting to know other people or they just don't want anything to do with others at all. 

I mean, you put in the effort to be close to them but they pretty much shut you down. Make conversations with them but they end up just answering you back and that's it. I don't know what the heck to think or feel anymore. 

I'm sure I already bent over backwards enough. There's nothing else I could do. No, there's nothing else I should do. I hate coming out too strong to people. So if that's the most they could show me, then fine. I'd rather stop. It's not worth my time waiting for someone that might not even come at all. It's not worth anyones time to force people out of their 'safe bubble.' 

So yeah, I think I'll just let them be. I'm done forcing myself to them. I'm positive that there's more out there that wouldn't waste my time like this. 

Oh, just a quick advice to people... please don't open up to others only to stop when the other person is ready to open up as well. That's just messed up. 

Pfft!!

"Ang cute ah. Badass ng dating." 

Then things happened....Confusion happened. 

Too bad that's all there is. That's how far I can go. 

So this is how it feels to want something you can't have. 

Ahhh!!!